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Ed is a sales guy I work with. He sells software and services, and I tell people whether or not he's full of shit.
Being from Indiana, Ed is skilled at scratching his butt and spitting for distance. In fact, on our last trip to Ft. Wayne, he let a loogie fly, and five locals held up cards with his score. He's also knowledgeable about farm animals (aka girlfriends).
My kids love him. Whenever he visits, my three-year-old brings him a
book to read her. My eight-year-old helps him with the big words.
Ed is actually the spawn of the devil. He was put on Earth to spread horror and pestilence. He came out of the womb bearing on his skull the symbol 665. Yeah, yeah, even as the embodiment of evil, he's still crappy at math.
Ed was born in 1963, which, according to the Chinese zodiac, is the
Year of the Rabbit. In the Indiana zodiac, it is the Year of the Plowhorse.
He is an example of what happens when, instead of flushing your Sea Monkeys
when they get too big, you just let them keep growing.
Ed might be foul-smelling, illiterate, dim-witted, full of ticks, and ill-mannered, but on the other hand, well, um ..... gee, sorry, can't think of a damn thing. But you can ask him about how to make your ecommerce site free from hackers.
Ed is actually at the center of a great mystery: all those cattle mutilations blamed on UFO occupants. In truth, it's really Ed going around in a pickup truck, ripping the anuses out of all those poor cows. As to what he's doing with all those cored cow anuses, the theories abound: he sells them on the medical black market as heart valve replacements; he uses them as sexual surrogates; he puts them in trail mix as a fun party snack.