Welcome to the Nether Regions, where it's always the Day After, and the PA is always playing La Vida Loca.

No, I am not affiliated with any branch of Hell; however, I am in sales, so I'm betting on a minor management role when I get there. In the meantime, here's my guided tour, as well as some idea of both current and future residents of Lucifer's townhome association.

The Lido Deck. This is where you find those who've helped dumb down society, leading to what appears to be the inexorable decline of civilization. These people often claim only to be reflecting society, but in fact they often lead the more sheep-like element of society by the nose. Andy Warhol awaits, with open arms, for Howard Stern, Mancow, Jerry Springer, and the guy who wrote the Police Academy movies.  For eternity, they get to watch reruns of MTV Spring Break.   MTV Spring Break.  MTV Spring Break. You can ask to use the bathroom, but the only guy there who knows where it is only speaks ebonics. MTV Spring Break. MTV Spring Break.

Funk Band waiting line.  Here you'll find those guilty of the most egregious self-serving ego-slinging.  No tables by the window for Michael Irvin, Deion Sanders, Keyshawn Johnson, or that annoying asshole Tom Green who films himself bothering other people.  They stand for a hundred years at a time waiting in line to see a funk band.  While they wait, flashbulbs go off in their faces.  Non-stop.  When they finally get up to the club doors, the three-headed dog checks their ID, bites their left buttock off, and lets them in.  The only beer is Stroh's.  In cans.  Then the band plays.  For a hundred years.  Then it's back to the line.

The closet.  Here you'll find those guilty of unadulterated, self-serving evil. Augusto Pinochet, Ferdinand Marcos, Moammar Ghadafi, and both Daddy and Junior Duvalier.  They get to see firsthand the fun and frolic of political torture, as their thumbs are twisted and they're made to stand up in a small closet for a hundred years at a time under a hot light as the speaker system plays, over and over, Terry Jacks' "Seasons in the Sun."  If they get tired, we help wake them up with a massive shock to the balls. If they're not tired, we give them a shock to the balls ANYWAY. Then they get a break.  They're let out for five minutes, so a herd of demons can give them a hot lead enema.  And then it's back to the closet.

Whizbang's Chamber of Wholesome Fun.  Here will be delivered unto me those guilty of wholesale slaughter and misery-mongering: Hussein, Milosevic, Khomeini, Tim McVeigh, and their ilk.  Every so often we'll be joined by guests: some of the many hundreds of thousands of victims that each of these fun-loving guys brought to their miserable deaths.  Oh, and there'll be toys.

Massive Molten Lava Enema Tunnel.  This is specifically reserved for OSAMA BIN LADEN.  This walking piece of sh*t is sooooooooooooooo lowly, such an incredible demon from the netherworld, that he has no soul to begin with.  Check here for an index of his hellish crimes, for which he'll spend an eternity eating goat sh*t from a spoon while a volcano is rammed up his ass, forever and ever.
 

The Lounge ...... who'll be entertaining in Hell?   Oh, there's plenty to see and do in Hell.  The sputum baths, the Canyon of Irregularity, the Bobby Fuller Wet Bar.  And in the Lounge of Last Resort, only the most excrutiating of entertainers will be on tap, to make the stay seem even longer.  They include such luminaries of lousiness as Bryan Adams, Andrew "Dice" Clay, Carrot Top, Celine Dion, and Snoop Doggy Dogg.  They're not dead, you say?  No, but they're apostates, in other words, people who are still technically alive but who have already given up their souls.  How else do you explain Bryan Adams' record contract?

The Arena of Stinkitude. Here you'll get lousy seats for the worst possible corporate rock bands, guys with lousy lyrics, goofy hair, and overall inflated egos.  REO Speedwagon, Motley Crue, Journey (OUCH !!!!!), and Rush will all perform endless solos, bad hard rock, "power" ballads, and soaring half-falsetto vocals reminiscent of somebody who's had a bicycle accident.

The Latest Arrivals in Hell

December 2006: Saddam Hussein was finally put where he belongs. Unfortunately for the US and Iraqi gummints, it was done in sloppy fashion. Toward the end, he tried to portray himself as the Iraqi savior, and a religious guy, blah blah blah. But all he was, was a murderous thug. And now he's burning his ass off. BWAH HA HA HA HA!!! Ahem.
 

December 2006: Augusto Pinochet was the evil slug who ran Chile for many years. Under his reign, thousands were tortured, killed, or simply made to disappear. More than a generation of Chileans are all messed up because of him. When he was finally to step down, he arranged to pass laws giving him amnesty. But whenever it looked like he was finally going to be put on trial for his umpteen crimes, he was suddenly an old man. Feeble, demented, had a heart attack, fainting, whatever. Always a scam to avoid justice. But then he'd suddenly be fine, and even travel abroad. This month, finally under house arrest and about to be put on trial, he cheated justice and croaked. But only cheated it in THIS world. 
 

September 2006: Charles Roberts, a 32-year-old milk delivery driver, walked into an Amish school, barricaded the doors, ordered the boys out, and killed some of the girls. This utter piece of shit actually left suicide notes for his own children, and said that the killings were revenge for something that happened to him twenty years earlier, long before his victims were born.