Here's just a little stupidity to get you going....
 

Stop with all this "NATION" crap. Raiders Nation, Red Sox Nation. There's no nation. It's fans. Call them FANS. That's what they are. There's nothing more to it.

Same with the word "genius." There are no geniuses in sports. No genius players, no genius coaches. They might very well be good at what they do. But not a damn one of 'em is a GENIUS.
 
 

Extreme nausea:    The continuing surge in extreme sports is just another indicator of the short attention span and shallow intellect of young males. Watching guys go around and around a dirt track on motorbikes, endlessly jumping over piles, gets old in a hurry. And this freestyle skateboarding and roller-blading thing is bone-numbing : do people actually buy tickets to watch these guys skate up a ramp and down a handrail? It all looks alike real quick. The snowboarders are doing pretty much the same damn thing. Eventually they'll add unicycles and scooters. A particular dumb-ass skaateboarder actually blew a gold medal because she just had to pull a hotdog move that caused her to fall on her ass. Kids pedalling two-wheelers off of ramps?  Synchronized skateboarding?  Yeah, okay, it's a skill, but so is hacky-sack, to a degree. I'm not going to watch guys on TV doing something that the slackers at the park do just as well.  This is all promoted by the same bunch of moneybags who used to broadcast guys dressed as Elvis bungee-jumping from bridges and called it a sport. How do you score that, by the way?  Now they have "extreme golf" and "extreme pinball."  Okay, so 72 holes of golf is a bit extreme, but does that make it risky or even interesting?  Are there snipers on the course?   Rottweillers?  Are the sand traps mined? Extreme snowmobiling?  C'mon, you gotta be kidding.  Extreme, if the course is lined with Burmese tiger traps, perhaps. There are no ways to measure the performance in extreme games. They're all a form of performance art. Don't call these things sports.

A few years ago,  a measure passed in the Illinois legislature to ordain greater penalties for committing such an idiotic crime in this state.  It was opposed by noted Republican stooge James "Pate" Phillips of DuPage County.   In voicing his opposition, Phillips said that sometimes when referees are wrong, they deserve to get a "pop" once in a while.  This is the same moron who did everything he could to defeat sensible gun legislation in Illinois.
 

The same awful plague that started in the NBA with Michael Jordan finally trickled down to college, and finally now to high school ball. The rules are never, ever enforced. What is the point of trying to block a guy, of trying to prevent a score, when every pinhead with the ball can waltz through the paint, without even an attempt at dribbling, and slam it? Traveling calls are as rare as a successful Shaquille O'Neal free throw. Guys taking four, five, even six steps regularly make highlight reels. What's the point anymore?

Allen Iverson palms the ball like he's the Big Boy mascot carrying a tray of burgers.  Unfortunately, travelling is part of the legacy left behind by Jordan.  How many minutes is Shaq allowed to stand in the paint?  They call him occasionally for 3-second violation, but not nearly as much as they should.  Shouldn't he have to follow the rules too?

Here's a good example of their warped thinking: a popular NBA commercial from 1998 showed John Stockton of the Utah Jazz in slo-mo, taking a pass, dribbling, then shooting.  In all, after taking possession of the ball, he takes eleven steps (easy to count in slo-mo), and dribbles exactly ONCE. 
 

February 2002: Sports Illustrated did a story on Jason Kidd, showing him hugging and mugging with his family, even a shot of all of them in the tub.  It excuses certain actions because every athelete supposedly must contain a "cruel streak."  But Kidd beat up his wife in front of his kids.  Is everything all touchy-feely now?
 

Most Voluminous Player : SHAQ

The first time Shaq made the Finals, it had everything to do with the fact that people get called just for standing too close to him.  Because he's allowed to bury his elbow in people's throats.  Because he's allowed to stand in the paint for half a minute, and never gets called for it. That first year, it also had to do with that fact that Scottie Pippen really couldn't lead a team, and when Pippen is running downcourt, he's totally and utterly oblivious to any wrong-colored jerseys which might try to sneak up and steal the ball, a malady from which he suffered even with the Bulls. 

O'Neal actually had the ball on a fast break late in Game 7, and displayed a complete and utter inability to handle the ball. He couldn't dribble the ball.  I've been saying it for years, I'll say it again : O'Neal is a very nice guy, has a relatively scandal-free and generous lifestyle, but HE HAS NO FUNDAMENTAL BASKETBALL SKILLS.  He does one thing, and that is to stand under the basket and muscle his way in.  MVP?  That's a joke.  One of the fifty greatest players ever?  That's a joke.  He's leading a team to the Finals?  That's a joke.  It's not basketball, it's just elbows and bulk.  He's allowed to park his fat ass under the basket all damn day long.  Why not bring him a lawn chair and a pina colada?
      June 2002: The Lakers win it all again.  But they shouldn't have even got into the Finals in the first place, except for some really bad officiating in the semi-finals, including an incident in which Kobe Bryant elbowed a guy in the face and somehow drew the foul.  Huh?
 

The NBA at one point said they thought fans were staying away from the games on TV because the coaches weren't miked.  Naturally, the coaches don't like wearing microphones, since they don't want to give away secrets, PLUS they might utter who-knows-what in the heat of battle.  Pat Riley was fined in March 2000 for not wearing a mike, although they quickly rescinded that.  But two other teams were later  fined 100K apiece for not putting mikes on their coaches.  This is a DUMB IDEA.
 

I honest-to-gosh feel very sorry for the family of Bobby Phills, lately of the Charlotte Hornets.  Especially since they lost a husband and father to stupidity and arrogance.  He and teammate David Wesley were racing each other in their Porsches at speeds in excess of 100 MPH when Phills crashed into another vehicle, sending its occupants to the hospital and himself to the morgue.  It's just like Jerome Brown.  There's a whole bunch of hero worship, and talk of martyrdom, what a great guy, what a great loss, etc., but it still comes down to idiocy.  He left behind two very young children, because he was an idiot.  The pair were affectionately called "partners in crime" at the funeral, which is pretty dumb.  The driver of the car struck by Phills is an insurance claims adjuster on his way to examine wrecked cars as part of his job when the accident happened.
 
 

Jerks

Latrell Sprewell sued  his agent, saying the guy should have negotiated him a contract in which he would still get paid, even if suspended.  For strangling somebody, for example. In the meantime, not only was his latest suit against the NBA tossed, the judge suggested that it was SO without merit, he might make Sprewell pay the league's legal costs.  Yes, indeed, when Sprewell's lawyers refiled the same meritless suit against the NBA, with virtually no changes, despite the judge's orders, he told them to pay $113,000 to the NBA's lawyers, $35,000 to Golden State for their costs, and $5000 to the court. 
     Then  Sports Illustrated featured Sprewell in an article in which they say he's rehabilitated himself.  Y'know, he still really hasn't shown much remorse over his choking and sucker-punching exploits.  Time Magazine, often off the mark (note their cover story on Ricky Martin), twice used the word "redeemed" to describe Sprewell, when they covered his play in the '99 playoffs.  Just because he can still dunk doesn't mean he's not still an asshole.  When he returned to visit Golden State for a game, he cussed and made obscene gestures.  He only became a starter after Patrick Ewing got hurt.

And how did Ewing get hurt? Well, it's probably all that unnnecessary walking he's done while he had the ball. YOU know, the walking he did while he was supposed to be DRIBBLING the ball. Remember, Patrick, when you're moving with the ball, you're supposed to BOUNCE it.
 

Isaiah Thomas  said a couple of years ago that there were four great gunslingers in the '80s: Jordan, Johnson, Bird, and himself. Funny, but my most vivid recollections of Thomas are of him walking off the court before a game was over (a Pistons loss), hitting guys in the back of the head during fights, and wishing the Lakers luck against the Bulls immediately after Chicago had knocked out Detroit in the semi-finals.  I also recall him buying into the CBA, saying he would be a part of it for a long, long time, then bailing out to coach the Pacers.   A man of convictions?  He puts himself in the same league as Jordan and Bird? Narf, narf.

NBA Management, Labor Relations, Etc.
 

Memories of the NBA Lockout

The NBA lockout was ultimately a losing cause for the players. Why? They have a very basic, inherent flaw in their reasoning. First off, they're STUPID. These are guys who cruised through school, and in fact only went there for NBA training camp. My roommate and I did papers for the players on OUR college basketball team, and those were guys who didn't stand a chance in hell of making the pros. The NBA guys are all more or less morons, and their elected leadership isn't leading them anywhere.

Their other basic logical error is, nobody takes their side. The owners take the biggest risk. They put up the money, they pay out the salaries, even when players stink, when they pout, when they throttle their coaches, when they get busted for drugs or rape or whatever, and when things in general go wrong. Nobody forced the players to screw off in school, get a degree in Baseline Mechanics, and make a living running back and forth. They're entitled to a ridiculous wage, but until they share the risk, they don't deserve the lion's share of the revenues. NOBODY is worth 30 million a year.
 

Memories of the Lockout Part 2

The NBA is a halfway house for those athletes trying to make the transition from Utter Moron to Complete Idiot.  The players want to show solidarity, and to complain publicly that they're being robbed of their rights and their income, so they meet in Las Vegas.  They show up late for charity basketball games, for which many of them receive appearance fees.  One idiot actually shows up late, and in a limo.  Then they barely play.  Everybody goes to the basket.  A group of them speaks to the press about how some of their fellow players "are fighting for their lives," and they stroll directly from this press conference to a craps table.  Fighting for their lives?  They're fighting for a third house, maybe.

Then they organize yet another charity game, this one to partially benefit "the neediest players." Ah, so that would be the guys making the league minimum $275,000.
 
 

It's up, and it's, it's, 
it's wide left
 
 

May 2007: Ricky Williams busted AGAIN. What an incredible f--k-up.

"I'd never wanna join a club that would have me as a member."    Groucho Marx

This is some kind of sick joke. The voters for Canton in 2007 left out Richard Dent, one of the greatest sack artists ever, and Super Bowl XX MVP. But in that same ballot, they elected Michael Irvin, a whore-chasing, coke-snorting, crack-smoking asshole who showed up for court in a full length fur coat, and tried to get away with having flunkies perform his community service. This is the same dickhead who, when the cops showed up as he entertained hookers, exclaimed, "Don't you know who I am?"  This tool is one of the worst talking heads in sports television now. This is the same moron who, upon winning the NFC title with the Cowboys, and knowing he was on network TV, yelled, "We're goin' to the f___g Super Bowl!"  THIS is the guy they put in instead of Richard Dent.

But hey, it's February 2007, and Irvin's been dumped from ESPN. Seems he forgot to inform them that he'd been arrested after a traffic stop that included the cops finding a "pipe" in his car.
 

Bear down, and beat the quarterback

Fall 2006, a buddy took me to watch the Bears whomp the Buffalo Bills. A blowout. Bears QB Rex Grossman was on fire. But even during this rout, I pointed out that the kid was phenomenal when he had all the time in the world to throw, and under pressure, he made very poor choices. In subsequent games, even ones where the Bears marched, Grossman still only really did well when he had complete protection. On the run, he stinks. He'll run back thirty freakin' yards. He'll dump it off stupidly. In one retarded game, he decided to flip the ball, a lateral pass that HAD to be caught or it would have been a fumble, to a tight end who was INSTANTLY drilled, the second he caught it, and Grossman had full view of the guy bearing down. 

The Bears made it through the playoffs because of a hard-working defense, a good running game, and a barely adequate passing game.

Against all advice and conventional wisdom, coach Lovie Smith stuck with this kid when he should have benched him, at least for parts of games. Grossman was dumb enough to admit he'd taken a "mental vacation" before the last game of the year, a New Year's eve blowout loss to the Packers. Like this idiot could afford a vacation. This alone should tell the coaching staff that the trigger on the backup should be quick. My prediction for the Super Bowl is a Bears loss. I hope like hell that my favorite pro team in any sport wins, but I'm not betting on it.

WHADDAYA KNOW, the Bears lost, and it's largely on Grossman, as predicted. The defense couldn't stop the run half the time, but they were probably also wiped out, with all the three-and-outs, and Grossman's retarded turnovers. Couldn't handle snaps, and threw dead ducks that hung in the air for anybody to grab, no matter what color their jerseys were. Idiot coach Lovie Smith insisted on sticking with his boy, whose numbers were ridiculous, especially for a Super Bowl. If Smith doesn't allow an open competition for QB in the spring, he's a COMPLETE dumbshit. In fact, Brian Griese outplayed Grossman in camp, and it didn't seem to matter. But there's not always a next year.
 

Terrell Owens needs to be slapped silly. He ended up with Rickey Henderson disease. Signed a giant contract with the Eagles, played one year on it, and wanted a new one right away. It was all look-at-me, look-at-me.

Terrell Owens was a complete asshole with the Forty-Niners. In a Dallas game, he took his touchdown ball, ran to the star in the middle of the Cowboys field, and took a knee, pointing skyward.  He got knocked on his ass the second time he did it, and was fined. 

Whined his way out of Philadelphia, and he'll do the same thing in Dallas. Meantime, he's NOT WORTH THE MONEY AND THE HASSLE. He drops tons of balls. Nobody who makes that money drops that many passes.
 

Todd Sauerbrun was never a favorite of my wife's. While he was with da Bears, he thought of himself as a big macho guy, and a weight lifter. He cut slits in his jersey sleeves, like the offensive linemen do, supposedly because they couldn't contain his bulging muscles. Funny, he didn't look that bulging at the time, although he liked to act like it. Then he got nailed for parking in handicapped spaces, and driving on the lawn at the practice facility, and in general he was a jerk. In his later NFL life, he picked fights with people, including the Gramatica brothers. The Panthers finally decided they'd had enough of the guy, especially when he figured in a steroids investigation. These kinds of guys get paid way too much money to act like jerks. 

Pittsburgh's Ben Roethlisberger and Cleveland's Kellen Winslow Jr. are IDIOTS. They both ride motorcycles around without helmets. Roethlisberger says that if state law condones it, it's okay. But what's NOT okay is that his team has made a huge investment in him AND his health. For the money he's making, he should take every precaution. Winslow went one step further by popping wheelies and riding around like a fool, hitting a curb, flipping over, and hurting himself badly. This dum-dum was still limping around after getting hurt in Game 2 of his rookie season, THEN he bangs himself up on a bike, and he's probably out for the year. He should have to give back some of that money, or maybe all of it. He was a rookie holdout, and has always had a big mouth, even as a college boy. Shut up and play, moron. Oops, Winslow is OUT FOR THE YEAR. What a frigging DUMMY. And then Roethlisberger broke his freaking head while riding in traffic. Stooge.
 

Randy Moss was an embarrassment to Minneapolis.  After the Vikes got humiliated in the 2000 NFC game (41-0 to the Giants), he said he's never make it to the Super Bowl "with this team."  Taunting, inattentiveness, not trying too hard, then telling the press he takes plays off (which fans already knew) and only plays hard when he wants to, even after getting a gargantuan new contract and signing bonus, mark him as a frigging loser.  One of the reasons Dennis Green got canned after the 201 season is because he couldn't get Moss to play every down, despite the huge amounts of undeserved money the clown gets. During the 2004 season, he left the field before the game was over. Now he's with the Raiders, where he'll have to stand in line to be an embarrassment. Although he tries hard. September 2006, he whines to a reporter about how bad things are in Oakland, but provides no specifics. The skinny is that newe coach Art Shell runs a very tight ship, and Moss likes things easier. Poor baby.
 

The same day Lawrence Taylor was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Wade Boggs got his 3000th hit.  Taylor, a prototype linebacker, has been busted three times for drugs, got nailed for tax evasion, filed for bankruptcy in order to keep his house, owned a failed nightspot, dodged child support, and has been linked to organized crime figures.  He also wears the DUMBEST goddamn 'do rag and the DUMBEST damn chandelier of an earring, even when broadcasting or accepting his induction.  He ALSO made up some weird imagined crimes on the part of the electors whom he presumed would not vote him into the Hall of Fame, even though they said nothing bad about HIM.  Boggs, of course, is one of the more famous and clumsy (oh, and arrogant) adulterers in the sports world, with a reputation for chasing numbers over acting like a teammate.  Remember, longevity does not guarantee intelligence.

Quick Rison story. Monday Night Football, 10/26/98, Andre Rison makes a fairly routine catch for a TD, after KC QB Elvis Grbac does all the work scrambling and avoiding the sack. Rison proceeds to stomp around and generally make a macho asshole of himself. Also, he starts proclaiming "This is my house!" How soon he forgets, it's only his house because Green Bay couldn't stand him anymore, just like Atlanta couldn't stand him anymore. Oh, and in Atlanta, the first time he faced ex-teammate Deion Sanders, they got in an embarrassing slap-fight, after which Sanders proclaimed "This is my house!" I've seen college girls get in nastier dorm fights than that.

Mark Chmura of the Green Bay Packers said he was "just sick" over charges that he sexually assaulted his family's babysitter in a bathroom during a party where a whole lotta underage kids were getting drunk.  He said he couldn't wait til his side of the story comes out.  Well, whether he had sex with the underage girl or not, he was at an underage drinking party, he was in a hot tub with underage girls, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and this is a guy who declined the usual post-Super Bowl visit to the White House because he thought Pres. Clinton was a disgrace because of the Lewinsky thing.  Chmura was cut by the Packers.  He was subsequently found not guilty of the crimes, but he is certainly guilty of complete and utter stupidity.  His lawyer allowed for the fact that Chmura was drunk and in a hot tub full of teenagers, inside a house full of drunken underage kids.   Commissioner Tagliabue cleared Chmura to catch on with another team, but suggested that the idiot try to get his shit together.  But nobody wanted him, and he retired. 
 

The late Derrick Thomas might very well have been a good guy.  But he left behind six kids by five women.  At least, those are the ones we know of.  And he drove like a knucklehead, and suffered a totally unnecessary death.  Is this setting a good example?  Jerome Brown of the Eagles pretty did the same thing, AND he took his young nephew WITH him.
 

Ray Lewis,  guilty of rampant stupidity	Ray Lewis may not be guilty of murder in the deaths of two guys in an altercation at a dubious night spot, right after the Rams-Titans Super Bowl.  But the fact is, a guy who kept telling his teammates and coaches he was born again had no business being in a nasty, nasty place at a strange hour with people who carry weapons.  He also had no business appearing in the audience during the taping of a sex video.  He also had the requisite buncha kids with a buncha women. Before he left college, even. He deliberately lied to the police. His deliberate obstruction of the police helped lead to the fact that NOBODY was found guilty in the violent deaths of two young men (who admittedly were not solid citizens, but that's not the point).  He's an irresponsible stooge, is what he is. Noted fat man and fellow Ravens defensive player Tony Siragusa (who dropped the f-word on national TV during Super Bowl intros) said it was "amazing" that Lewis came through so much adversity to play so well.  Well, the Correct Opinion is that Lewis' adversity was caused by him racing away in a limo, screaming at his friends to keep their mouths shut, while two men lay dying in a parking lot, then Lewis lying to police, causing himself to be accused of murder and ultimately for NOBODY to be found guilty of the crime of stabbing to death two guys who were outnumbered by a mob 10-2.  Lewis could likely finger the real culprits, but hasn't.  Poor guy, he's come through so much.
They never found the bloody clothes Lewis wore that night and changed in a Holiday Inn restroom.  Like OJ's, they never will. Super Bowl MVP?  This nitwit did some goofy-ass dance during introductions, when a little humility was in order.  Such an arrogant fool.

Super Bowl XXXIV  (like guys with beer bellies know how the hell to read Roman numerals) featured a great rendition of the national anthem.  Faith Hill could teach that idiot Cher a thing or two about respect and not hogging the sentiment.  On the other hand, the half-time show, produced by Disney,  reeked.Phil Collins stood there like a statue, lip-synching one of the depressing tunes from Disney's Tarzan flick.  Actually, all the tunes from that movie are depressing, and they all sound alike. Christine Aguilera and Enrique Iglesias lip-synched some forgettable nonsense, and in fact Iglesias kept putting the mike up to his face, then pulling it away again, trying desperately to not lip-synch at the wrong time.  Then Toni Braxton came on, and SHE COULDN'T LIP SYNCH WORTH A DAMN.  When she was all finished trying to out-wail Aguilera (why can't these idiot women just SING, why must they perform SCALES? ), she stood there with an arrogant, serious look on her face, like she'd just done something memorable.  What the hell did she have to be proud of?  She couldn't even mouth the words right.  SMILE, dummy !

The very next Super Bowl halftime saw an awful performance in which Aerosmith pissed away whatever credibility they had left by performing with Britney Spears and N'Sync.
 

Gus Frerotte once had the occasion (while with the Lions) to stink up a playoff game in DC, against his old team.  Washington fans held up signs with targets painted on them, bearing the legend, "Gus, hit head here," reminding the quarterback of the time he celebrated a touchdown with the Redskins by bouncing his head into a padded wall, not realizing that behind the thin pad was a lotta concrete.  This led to a lovely concussion at the time.  Frerotte said of the signs, "What were those signs supposed to do, make me play bad or something?"  Well, yeah, Gus, they were, and in fact, they succeeded.
 

Deion Sanders admitted part way through the 2000 season that he didn't really get cranking until late in the year, and maybe he'd retire soon.  AFTER the idiot owner of the Redskins had paid out that gargantuan signing bonus. Bet he's glad he spent all that cash, huh?  Meantime, two years after Deion split, he still cost the Redskins plenty in cap money.
 

Dwayne Rudd of the Minnesota Vikings goofed  ('98).  After scooping up a loose ball, he tiptoed into the Metrodome end zone and taunted the Bears before spiking it.   In the first meeting the following season, again in the Metrodome, the Bears upset the heavily-favored Vikes, and beat the hell out of Rudd in the process, so thoroughly and carefully, that they drew no penalties for it, and Rudd was asking out of the game through the second half.  Payback's a witch, Dwayne. Later, as a Chief, Rudd stupidly took off his helmet while still on the field, to celebrate what appeared to be a win. But taking that helmet off is a no-no, and he got his with an unsportsmanlike flag. That gave the other team the chance to kick what turned out to be the winning field goal.
 

The fat guy who used to sit in the stands at Cleveland stadium (in a section of battery-throwing morons called The Dawg Pound), wearing a dog mask and woofing (something copped from Bears' fans in the 80's) wouldn't even take the stupid mask off to be interviewed by Leslie Visser.  He even had his middle name legally changed to Big Dawg.  He even appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated wearing that frigging mask.  Somebody, quick, get this guy laid.  Yes, yes, it will take an ugly chick and lots of beer, but do it anyway.
 

Habitual numbskull Mark Gastineau, who used to be a sack artist but turned into a team-killing, wife-crushing, girlfriend-hitting, godawful boxer, and who washed out in the CFL after nobody in the NFL would touch him anymore,  was arrested again, in July '99, for violating another order of protection.   WHOA, January 2001 he's supposedly born again, and now says he's on God's team, "and now I'm sacking Satan."  But days after making this statement, he was back in the pokey for probation violation from assaulting his wife in 1998. He did 11 months on Rikers Island for parole violations. Gastineau claims he's still doing the God thing, and occasionally shows up at charity events.
 

Oct '98, Jerry Rice breaks Art Monk's record for catches in consecutive games. He says that Monk was "one of the greatest receivers ever to play the game, and it's an honor to break the record." Kinda nice. Contrast that with Rickey Henderson just a few years earlier, breaking Lou Brock's record for stolen bases, then declaring, with Lou Brock sitting just a few feet away, "Lou Brock was a great player, but now I am the greatest of all time." Henderson is the same pinhead who was the highest paid baseball player for about a week, then complained he wanted an immediate upgrade when somebody else got an even bigger contract just days later.

Ah, but wait.  The aforementioned Rice is also the same guy who got goaded into saying that he didn't get Super Bowl MVP one year because the people who vote for it are "racist." 
 

They DON'T get any dumber than this:  Curtis Enis, the Bears' first-round draft choice for 1998, drank and screwed off through college, took stuff from an agent and lied about it, got booted from a bowl which his team then lost, knocked up a stripper, spent HALF A MILLION DOLLARS he didn't have in five months, found God via some so-called religious sports agent, insulted just about everyone he knows at his engagement party by telling them they weren't pure in the eyes of God (while announcing his betrothal to the three-months-pregnant stripper), switched agents, asked for WAY more money than he's worth, told the Bears to write him a contract that violated collective bargaining rules, and forgot that he is a non-elusive battering ram, the kind that doesn't last real long in the NFL.  He said he didn't want to feel underpaid.  By June '99, he had dumped the religious agency, said he insulted the team, and HE STOPPED REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. That alone was a good sign.  Oh, but he lost too much weight, could't barrel guys over anymore, and wasn't exactly what you'd call elusive. After season's end, everybody said he should put the weight back on. After the 2000 season, the Bears finally ditched Enis, who went to the Browns before disappearing from the NFL. Wasn't that fun? Enis now works the graveyard shift at a garage door factory in Ohio.

GUESS THE MORON:

• Played for a college football team filled with thugs.
• As a wide receiver, pushed off the cornerbacks, even to the point of pushing them to the ground, then whined when he got called for it.
• Swore on national TV after winning the NFC title game, in an idiotic macho display.
• Got nailed with drugs and strippers, while bereft of some of his clothes, and tried to use his celebrity status to get off the hook.
• Showed up for a grand jury in a fur coat and shades.
• Tried to get flunkies to do his court-mandated community service work FOR him.
• Stabbed a teammate in the neck with a pair of scissors during training camp, while on probation.
• November 2005: After getting a job as an ESPN commentator and hoping people forget what an utter screwup he is, STILL gets busted for having a crack pipe in his car. He claimed it "belongs to a friend." Yeah, sure. Even if that IS true, what are you doing hanging out with those kinds of people, AND letting them smoke dope in your car?

My nine-year-old hits harder than Deion Sanders ever did.

Face it, the records are screwed because of all the juice. Homers have tailed WAY off, as expected. And the game itself can be dreary and boring. It needs FIXING.

AS PREDICTED IN THIS SPACE, THE CHICAGO WHITE SOX WON THE 2005 WORLD SERIES. WHY? BECAUSE JESUS LOVES THEM. OH, AND HE HATES THE CUBS.
 

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE WRIGLEY WORSHIP? The place is a shithole. It's falling apart, for one thing. But a whole lot of people who drool over the place must never have seen a game there. On a warm day, if you're in the bleachers with the peasants, it's warm. If you're behind first base, in the shade, you're freezing. The bathrooms are ridiculous. The passageways are narrow, so it's hard to get around anywhere. The whole place has a smell to it. The sightlines can be lousy, from lots of angles. It's as bad as the old Comiskey was. If you want a truly excellent baseball experience in an historic ballpark, try Fenway. It's fantastic. For a great newer experience, try Toronto, or Baltimore (just avoid getting shot).
 

Fall 2005, and I’m as happy as a little girl. Why? Because the Cubs couldn’t land on a win if they fell out of a window, while the White Sox couldn’t lose. Ozzie Guillen may sound like he just climbed the fence to get in, and he’s in major need of people skills and anger management classes, but his team is doing the job. My beloved South-Siders are kicking butt, while the whining Cubs stink it up.

Any Cubs Fans still moaning about Steve Bartman are idiots. Bartman had no way of knowing where the fielder was when he went for that foul ball, and besides that, he had nothing to do with the Cubs completely melting down the rest of that playoff game. They mismanaged their pitching staff that whole series.
 

BARRY BONDS SHOULD QUIT.  He's not really being a team guy. he's surly as ever, not following the team's rehab advice, working out with one of the guys who steered him into trouble with the BALCO crew being investigated for supplying steroids to various athletes, and his knee isn't coming along very well. Time to go out while he's only got ONE asterisk next to his name.

Some baboons out there have argued that while Barry Bonds may have been juiced, so were some of the pitchers he has faced. Okay, so that means that two wrongs make a right?
 

June 2002: At a White Sox-Royals game, the first baseman nearly collided with a very young girl who was in foul territory with her glove, trying to catch the same foul fly ball.  She was ejected. Where were her idiot parents?  They would have been the first ones to file suit had the player mowed her down while going after the ball (considering he's looking straight up) or if the fly had come down between her eyes.  Earlier in the same game, a young boy had done the same thing, only he was given a ball and allowed to sit back down with his parents.  Some people should not be allowed to procreate.

The catcher for the Red Sox wanted his team to make a big donation for victims of 9/11, but several of his teammates decided they didn't want to cough up a day's pay.  Hell, that's another three cars for most of them, ain't it?

If Roger Clemens is such a good guy to have, why does he keep swapping teams all the time? It was once said of him, if not for baseball, he'd be standing in front of his barn, scratching at his one good tooth. A new teammate of his said in '99, "You just know if a rookie gets a hit off him, the next time up that kid's gonna get drilled." This is a compliment? Whose fault IS it if somebody gets a hit off a star pitcher? Throwing at a batter's head is NOT supposed to be a time-honored tradition. If you want to show a rookie who's boss, strike him out, don't bean him. 
    World Series 2000: Clemens pitches to Mike Piazza, whom he deliberately beaned in a previous matchup.  Piazza breaks his bat on a Clemens fastball, and the barrel of the bat ends up in Clemens' hands.  Clemens flings the piece of broken bat at Piazza, then tries to claim he thought he was fielding the ball.  So this gargantuan asshole mistakes a piece of wood for the ball, and then flings it at the runner, instead of to first base?  This lying, immature sack of crud was fined a measly $50,000.
       June 2001: Here's the payback for the redneck.  Clemens was scratched from the scheduled Yankees series at Shea this month, because they'll be playing NL rules, meaning no designated batter, meaning the big-ass wimp would have to face another pitcher.  MEANING, he might have to duck if somebody throws at HIS pumpkin head the way he throws at other people's. 
     June 2002: Here's the payback for the redneck, part two. He finally has the balls to play in an interleague game, meaning he has to bat.  Against the Mets, no less.  And against Piazza, whom he beaned into unconsciousness in a previous game.  First pitch sails behind his back, clues him in to behave.  Dumbass Yanks skipper Joe Torre says, "If that's what they think they have to do to win, so be it."  NO, Joe, that's what your pitcher has thought he needs to do to win, for years.  Anyway, Clemens gives up multiple homers, including to Piazza, and loses 8-0.  No nerve, when there's personal risk. Hypocritically enough, when Clemens was with Toronto, Torre called him a headhunter and a thug.
     October 2005: My beloved White Sox are squaring off against Clemens' Astros. Clemens is getting hammered. Suddenly, his back is acting up again, and he leaves. I predict that night, you won't see him again this series, since he won't want to make another losing appearance. He doesn't, and Chicago SWEEPS.

     Just like legendary beanballer Nolan Ryan, Clemens will always have that tag on his name. Good athlete, hard-working, but quite a scumbag.
 

Winter 2000: Scott Boras, agent for Alex Rodriguez,  backed off his client's original demands for jets, special accommodations on the road, space at the ballpark to sell his personal merchandise, a billboard campaign announcing his arrival, a $200 million contract, on and on.  He outpriced himself from several teams that would have done well by him.  They even asked for an escalator clause that would guarantee he would remain the highest-paid player in baseball.  Is he good?  Yeah, but nobody's worth $200 million.  Oh, but wait .... SOMEBODY was stupid enough to give him $25 million a year.  Glad it wasn't Chicago.  Will he produce?  More or less.  Will he put fannies in the seats?  Never did before.
 

May 16, 2000: idiot fans at Wrigley show the world that even the friendly confines can house morons.  Some fool sitting near the visitors' dugout yanks the cap off one of the Dodgers.  Other fools throw beer.  The Dodgers players go into the stands and start swinging.  I hate to say it, but I kinda don't blame them.  It's a shame that the Dodgers ended up coughing up dough to one of the imbeciles.
 

My favorite memory of Rickey Henderson is the day he broke  Lou Brock's  base-stealing record.  He ripped third base out of the ground, walked up to the microphone, and said, "Lou Brock was a great player, but now I am the greatest of all time."  Greatest asshole, perhaps.  Yeah, that guy who gave up eight chances to steal his record-breaking base, because he wanted to break the record during a day game so he could make some extra cash wearing a particular brand of shades.  The same clown who got the richest contract in baseball, then wanted MORE money when somebody else got a bigger contract a week later.  He dogged it down the baseline in later years, not bothering to run out his infield hits or fly balls.  He would stand and watch a line drive, then finally start moving his overpaid ass toward first, and then sorta half-trots the last twenty feet, and get thrown out with ease.  For seven figures, you'd think he'd make a little effort. 
 

I'm all for giving guys like Darryl Strawberry and Steve Howe another chance in life. So hook 'em up to a chain gang and let them clear garbage from the side of the frigging highway, but don't pay them any more big bucks to stick cocaine up their noses or beat their wives or cheat on their taxes. We have enough low-paid idiots in the world already doing that, we don't need high-paid ones for the job. Strawberry got busted over and over, for drugs, for not doing his rehab, for trying to pick up an undercover cop. Idiot Steinbrenner didn't do him any favors by continuing to employ him. Strawberry needed to go asomeplace quiet for a long, long time. Besides, it sets a lousy example for the kiddies when they see you can screw up over and over and still keep your job.

Funny quote: Yankees pitcher Cone, regarding Strawberry: "Not having him here would be a blow."  Oh, Dave, blow is the very root of the problem, pal.

Pete Rose said in his autobiography that he didn't bet on baseball. Then in his NEXT bio, he says he did. won't say he didn't bet on baseball.  All he'll say is that there's no proof that he bet on baseball.  Actually, there's a ton of proof.  If he won't come clean, keep him out of Cooperstown.
 

Berley W. Visgar of South Beloit IL drank beer and vodka before and during a Brewers game on Sept. 24th, 1999, then ran from the stands and jumped on the back of Houston Astro Bill Spiers, who received scrapes on his face and ended up with neck and back pain.  Visgar says he didn't mean to hurt Spiers, only attract the crowd's atttention.  He pleaded INNOCENT to disorderly conduct charges.  Large number of witnesses, TV cameras, and the idiot pleads INNOCENT. It didn't help, since he got 90 days and a $1000 fine.
 

In one of the truly bad labor ploys in history, umpire union leader Richie Phillips told his crew to all resign at the same time, to take advantage of severance packages and force contract negotiations.  Major League Baseball responded by accepting those resignations.  When the umpires began breaking ranks and rescinding their resignations, MLB decided to accept the resignations of 22 umpires they didn't want back anyway. Then Phillips fought the acceptance of those resignations, calling them firings. Hey, DUMMY, you TOLD them to quit, they did, and the bosses said "okay."  MLB hired some minor-league umps to fill the slots. Inexplicaby, the courts made them take some of the idiot umps back.
 
 

Which came first, juicing the Ball or juicing the Man? Back in '98, the friendly folks here at the Unholy Empire asked if there would be liberal use of asterisks in the record books, specifically in reference to Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. With regard to Barry Bonds, it was already obvious. You can grow your arms and legs with weights, but not your NOGGIN.  NONE of these guys can suddenly get this good, or STAY this good, so late in life. It doesn't work that way. Only substance use can explain it. There was also never any doubt about Mr. Bumbling Grump Jose Canseco, the one with the guns and the midget flunky carrying the briefcase full of steroids and the wife from Hooters. You remember Jose, right? The one who let the routine fly ball bounce off his head for a homer?  The Jose who's a frustrated pitcher, and who always sucks rocks when he attempts to pitch? Yeah, that Jose.  I'll give McGwire one hunk of credit.  The contract he signed in offseason 2001 was below market value, and called for giving back some of the money if he was hurt and couldn't play. He wanted to stay in St. Louis.  There's one vote for integrity. But his shameful appearance in front of Congress put lotsa holes in him. BUT ...... then I take it all away again. After Canseco put out his crap book (because commenting on the situation NOW suddenly means money), several current and former pro leaguers, including Canseco, Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmiero, and McGwire, testified in front of Congress. McGwire tearfully, yet gutlessly, declined to answer the question of whether or not he'd ever used steroids. In other words, he tacitly admitted that he DID.  One more bit on Barry Bonds .... sure, he was a good player BEFORE he got so huge, but the numbers don't lie. He's obviously juiced, and it obviously helped, on top of which, he's a grumpy, arrogant jerk, and WAS that way long before people started bugging him about steroids. I want to throw things at the screen when I see him belt a long fly and watch it, instead of running his bases. Some of those singles he's gotten over the years could have been at least doubles, if only he'd run instead of admiring his own work.

Foolish Fans

Christopher Noteboom, of Tempe, Ariz., ran onto Lincoln Financial Field in Philly, during a game between the Eagles and Packers, holding a plastic bag, and began spreading powder on the playing surface. He also made the sign of the cross. What he was doing, was spreading his mother's ashes. Apparently she was a big Eagles fan. Well, too bad. In this day and age, running onto the field and dumping an unknown substance is a shootable offense. Next time it could be somebody spreading something other than ashes. Sports teams regularly turn down those kinds of requests, and for good reason.
 

I know I'm only five-nine,
           but the court says I can use stilts

Casey Martin appears to be a wonderful guy, and a decent golfer.  Problem is, he's got a circulatory problem that really messes up his leg, and he can't stand or walk for long periods.  Second problem is, he wants to play in the PGA Tour.  Third problem is, they require players to walk.  They won't give him a pass.  Tour officials and other players say that walking is part of the game.  Martin sued, claiming that the PGA violated the Americans with Disabilities Act. (ADA).  It went all the way to the Supreme Court. 

There they rendered the Incorrect Opinion.  The majority ruled that walking isn't an integral part of the game; shot-making is.  This might essentially be true, BUT this is a lousy precedent.  Now anytime somebody can't compete in a professional sport because of a disability, they can sue.  Maybe the next golfer sprains his ankle, or has hemorrhoids, and wants to use a cart.  If a runner with asthma wants to compete in the 400 meter, should he be given an extra thirty seconds handicap, or maybe a headstart?  Sports mean rules, not litigation. 
 

Racing

Why did the chick cross the road? Cuz that's where her pit stop was

I have no doubt that Danica Patrick raced well in the 2005 Indy 500. If not for a couple of goof-ups, she could well have won the race. But let's be honest ..... the only reason she's getting all this press is because she's a good-looking broad. If she was an ugly chick, there'd be some novelty press. If she was a guy, she'd be just another fourth place finisher who coulda done better. But it's all about marketability. 
 

Checkered flag for the Grim Reaper

Enough, enough already with the tearful tributes to Dale Earnhardt.  Sure, any untimely death is a tragedy. And Earnhardt appeared to be a generous guy, off the track.  But this guy did not die some kind of hero.  He was engaging in a practice known as "boxing out" or "blocking," in which he would (commonly) keep other people from getting anywhere on the track ahead of himself.  In other words, I'm not going to do my best to win, I'm going to do my best to screw you up.  Dale Earnhardt didn't just risk death. He risked it for other people. His driving methods put other drivers at considerable risk. He caused crashes with his technique.

    On the day of his death, the two people he was blocking for were his own kid and another guy in his stable of drivers. So his corporation was going to benefit by himself or either of the other two winning.  This was a business decision that killed him, in other words.  Anybody else on the track who didn't belong to a stable of drivers was at an unfair disadvantage. And in fact, the winner of the race was on his team.

         While this annoying practice earned him the nickname "The Intimidator," it really should have been "The Interferer."  It was also Earnhardt's choice not to wear safety gear that is pretty much a standard now.  So let's review, shall we?  Guy engages in dangerous competition (really, let's not call this a sport, any old fat drunk can drive a fast car), guy doesn't use safety equipment, guy pisses everybody off with annoying technique, guy bumps into other cars while employing this technique, guy crashes while ruining race for everybody else.  Tragedy, yes.  Heroism, no.

         For a backup opinion, check out http://www.opinioncenter.com/phony/. The site is not affiliated with this one.

         I will grant the racing stooges one item : the Orlando Sentinel does not need to view the autopsy photos for any good reason whatsoever.  Who are they safeguarding? And isn't that upsetting to the family, for no good reason?  If it's the safety of the drivers they're concerned with, they could have asked for autopsy materials on any number of other dead drivers.  Besides that, drivers who knowingly climb into big death machines and don't use safety gear know exactly what they're getting into.  We're not talking about the safety of the public at large, only a teeny, tiny minority of high-paid goofballs who take the risks deliberately upon themselves.  If they want to drive into walls, the newspaper isn't going to help them. 

       February 2002: The Daytona 500 degenerated into a pile of wrecks.  NASCAR screwed with the rules at the last minute, plus the sport is inherently flawed because of all the blocking going on.  What a joke.  Only rednecks could love this "sport."
 
 

I'm so buff, even my nipples have muscles

What's with all these women athletes stripping for the camera?  I thought part of proving how good you are, despite, your gender, is not having to pander.  But a veritable flood was started by that nitwit from the women's soccer team, ripping off her jersey in an obviously scripted move.  August 2000, Jenny Thompson, an Olympic swimmer, poses for Sports Illustrated clenching her fists over her boobs.  Amy Van Dyken and other swimmers previously posed this way.  Track and field, and soccer stars have all done the same thing.  I like women, and I don't mind seeing them in the buff.  But if they keep this up, I hope these "athletes" don't mind me referring to them as good-lookin' broads.
 

Management Mishaps

Joe Robbie was a helluva business guy.  Bought the Dolphins, and built a new stadium, without taxpayer money, and without trying to blackmail Miami into building him one.  They called the place, appropriately enough, Joe Robbie Stadium.  No sooner was Joe cold, the heirs sold the naming rights to a moribund apparel company, and the place was renamed Pro Player Park.  After some complaints, a spokesgoon for the owners announced they were renaming it Pro Player Stadium, "to bring back some of the tradition."  Huh?  Bringing back Joe Robbie's name might have helped.   And as far as tradition goes, doesn't something have to be more than five years old to be considered a tradition? On top of which, stadium is a pretty common word, and doesn't do much for the dead guy's memory.

Consider Dyche Stadium, built at Northwestern U. with money donated many years ago by the Dyche family.  Their name was to be on the stadium "in perpetuity."  That is, of course, until somebody else came along with money for renovations.  Then the name Dyche got pitched like an old baloney sandwich.

The new owner of the Astros said he wanted a ballpark to replace the crappy old Astrodome, which would give the feel of "real baseball."  No sure what that's supposed to mean.  But apparently real baseball means an obstacle course.  There's a detour in left field in which balls can get caught in a corner heading away from the foul line.  And there are pillars .... PILLARS ..... out in centerfield, for the purposes of hanging ads.  The ball can bounce around between those as well.  Isn't the far wall supposed to be flat, so that shots that don't make it past the warning track bounce straight out onto the field instead of God-knows-where?
      Of course, the new field was named Enron Field, for the gargantuan energy company which paid for the rights.  And then they got caught cooking the books, and the team went to court to get the name Enron stripped off.
 

Kick it, kick it good     Let's summarize, shall we?  Soccer sucks.

June 2006: The World Cup's finally over, and what did we get plenty of? Lots and lots of scoreless soccer, decided by penalty kicks. Go ahead and google it: type in soccer, scoreless, penalty, and see what you get, going back forever. Too often, a team gets ahead and then stacks up with defenders, to protect their teensy lead. BORING. In the hugely vast majority of attempts to move the ball downfield, there is utter failure. No scoring. Often not even close. In baseball, American football, you can later point to individual plays as spectacular, memorable. In soccer, it's the same f____g garbage, over and over. BORING.

Another problem, especially in 2006 ..... FLOPPING. Every time somebody gets an elbow or a shoulder, they take a dive, hoping to get a call. Considering how often these dog games get decided on penalty kicks, it's a good gamble. This kind of kiddie shit helped Ghana beat the USA team. It's like a whole sport populated with NFL punters. Of course, it didn't help having the US team on the cover of Sports Illustrated, looking like zombies. Unsmiling, solemn, goofy.

The final game of the Cup, featuring the Italians over the French, was sloppy, full of diving, cheap shots, and was decided by a shootout. In other words, penalty kicks. WORTHLESS.
 

Spring 2005: Massive soccer riots in Italy. Quit telling me this is the greatest sport. It's BORING. It goes on and on, the ball goes back and forth, and the fans set fires and beat shit out of each other. It's fun to play, and a drag to watch.

May 2001: Four more massive soccer stampedes, with many dead and many more injured.  Iran, South Africa, Congo, and Ghana have all hosted death matches this spring.  Crowd fights, police tear gas, spectators climbing on buildings under construction, and just plain stupidity all contributed.  All that death, destruction, and misery, to watch a long, boring game.  I just don't get it.

During the summer of '99, broadcasters were wondering why they have to justify the coverage of the suddenly-surging women's soccer movement. Welllllll, here's why : it's SOCCER. I don't care if they're kicking in the nude .... well, actually, I would ..... it's still soccer. A bad hockey game still sees more scoring. If there are no breaks in the action, all that means is fewer opportunities to hit the can. This whole women's championship was decided on penalty kicks.  Big deal !!!  The women play it no better and no worse, it's just that the premise is bad. It's soccer. The only time it gets interesting is when the hooligans beat the snot out of each other after the games, or the hordes of fools with nothing better to do start one of those infamous European crowd-crushing stampedes for the exits. A couple of years back, the USA hosted the World Cup, and everybody thought the player with the big red afro would help push the sport into the mainstream. But y'know WHAT? He's retired, and it's still SOCCER. It's all over the magazines right now, but that's strictly temporary. It's 12 July 1999, and I'm predicting a short attention span on this one. I'll explain it one more time: it's soccer.

Hey, it's now early October '99, and it's generally accepted that the shirt-stripping photo opp of the gal from the US Women's team was staged.  And guess what?  Nobody gives a crap about soccer anymore. And why is that?  Because it's SOCCER.
 
 

Ay caramba, my nose, she's burning

Just plain punchy        Yeah, boxing's nasty, but I like it

May 2005: Attended the Golota-Brewster card at Chicago's United Center with my brother. Had a great time. Lots of Polish folks there to cheer on Golota as well as Tomasz Adamek. They packed the place. HBO broadcast it. It's actually a great place to see fights. Don King is an utter asshole, but he can put on a good show. The only goofy fight of the night was the main event, in which Golota lasted as much time as it took me to point and say "He's screwed."

Lennox Lewis retired before he could embarrass himself further. In his fight against Klitschko, he was getting hammered. Luckily for him, the Russian ended up with a nasty couple of cuts, but otherwise was in better condition, and was certainly busier. The majority of observers had Klitschko ahead. After the fight, Lewis said, "Look what I did to his face." Yeah, well, he got cut. Lucky you.  And then you quit before you could get walloped in a rematch.

He spent so little time preparing for the Rahman fight, he got his ass knocked out in five rounds.

In the Tyson fight, Lewis spent most of the time backing up, and tossing feeble jabs to keep the more aggressive Tyson off of him. At one point, he was threatened with being DQ'd for not fighting. Now he says he "destroyed" Tyson. No, he simply wore out a shot, smaller fighter by constantly backing up and using superior size.

July 2000, Lennox Lewis said "It is not my fault that I am the outstanding heavyweight of my era, the way Muhammad Ali and Joe Louis were before me."    HUH?  The guy who always played it safe?  The guy who wouldn't go for the knockout unless he was threatened?  His two fights against Holyfield, which should have been classic, were yawners, because Lewis lacked the courage to get after Holyfield.  Lewis almost got capped by the hitless Frank Bruno, and was saved from stoppage only by a lucky left.  Professional mental case Oliver McCall knocked out Lewis in two rounds, with Lewis afterwards saying he could have continued, despite being obviously totally out of it in the arms of the ref.
 

Mike Tyson is just plain screwed.  But I'm part of the problem, not the solution.  I still thought a fight between him and Lennox Lewis would be interesting.  So I watched it.  Okay, so I'm a scumbag. But unlike "extreme sports," you know who won.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE  that Mike Tyson, who filed for bankruptcy in 2003, was able to buy a $2.1 million home in Arizona?
 

John Ruiz is easily the most boring heavyweight champ ever. He lucked out in some decisions, like against Andrew Golota (Golota got ripped off). But he's just a dog of a fighter. His fights suck. Plain enough? They suck. When he wins, he sucks. When he lost his title to a humongous Russian, he sucked.
 

Evander Holyfield needs to quit while he's behind. He appears brain-damaged. For years he's proclaimed himself a Christian kind of guy, despite all the kids he's had with all the different women. He's a mess. Time to disappear. New York state won't license him anymore, but he still manages to get fights in other podunks.
 

Summer 2001: Fighter Darrin Morris improved his WBO ranking two spots, even though he was dead.  How bad was that weight division?

Summer 2000: Jose Sulamain, the knucklehead who runs the WBA,  ranked Julio Cesar Chavez the top contender at 140 pounds, even though Chavez hadn't fought at that weight in two years, so Chavez could get his ass kicked in a title bout, while a guy who beat Chavez the year before went unranked.  Sulamain has long been a shithead, but now he's a double-shithead.  And here it comes:  Chavez did indeed get stopped, easily, in the sixth round.  Embarrassing, Sulamain, totally embarrassing.  I hope you're proud of yourself.

This is also the guy who stepped up to back up Don King in proclaiming that Buster Douglas hadn't really beaten Mike Tyson.
 
 

Riddick Bowe was the Shaquille O'Neal of boxing. His biggest talent was being BIG. He had a giant overhand right that plenty of smaller boxers could duck under. More skilled fighters with lesser size (such as Holyfield) were able to stay in with him, until he could just wear them out with size. And fight fans often forget, before Andrew Golota became famous for forfeiting two consecutive fights to Bowe for low blows, Bowe himself was a low-blow artist. He even won a fight against Pierre Coetzer by punching the man hard in the cahones, then taking advantage as Coetzer complained to Mills Lane, who decided the shot wasn't that bad. Hey, Mills, you ever been hit in the nuts by a 245 pound man?

Bowe was another one claiming moral high ground in his personal life, only to end up cheating on his wife and producing an out-of-wedlock kid. Then he went a little loony and sorta kidnapped his family after they tried walking out on him. Then in early 2001, the next wife had him arrested, and he was still facing sentencing for the kidnapping of the first wife.

You don't hear much from Bowe's moron manager, Rock Newman, anymore. He regularly baited the managers of other fighters, even starting a fight himself on Tuesday Night Fights. He said before the Bowe-Pierre Coetzer fight that Bowe had extra motivation because Coetzer was from South Africa, the land of apartheid, even though Coetzer was anti-apartheid. It was a cheap and cheesy promo comment, and typical of Newman. 

Bowe went into the military for three weeks, before deciding it wasn't for him. When he got out of jail, fatter than hell, he relaunched his boxing career, even winning his first two bouts. He's been denied a license to box in states that think he's brain-damaged.

I'm sick to death of that goddamn SWOOSH. Anybody who pays quintuple what they SHOULD pay for a pair of shoes because it's from Phil Knight has a damn hole in their head. And what does Phil Knight do with all that money from all those morons who DO pay quintuple what they should for a pair of shoes? He sponsors foreign teams which he cheers on against American teams.

Reports out of Viet Nam said that until public scrutiny forced Knight to fix things, Nike factories treated their female workers like virtual slaves, paying them $1.60 a day (not enough for 3 meals). They were limited to one restroom break and two water breaks per day. Anyone caught talking too much had their mouth taped. There is a special place in hell for people like Phil Knight. And there is a funk band waiting to entertain there.

A newly-arrived soul shows up at the gates of heaven, and St. Peter asks him, "So, what was your IQ in life?" And the man replies "187."

"Good, good," St. Peter says. "Come over here, let me introduce you to Albert Einstein."

A little while later, anther soul shows up, and St. Peter asks her, "What was your IQ in life?" And she tells him, "129." And St. Peter smiles and says, "Wonderful. Let me introduce you to Leonardo DaVinci over here."

Another soul arrives, and St. Peter asks, "SO .... what was your IQ in life?" And the man replies "78."

And St. Peter says, "Oh.  Well then, how 'bout dem Cowboys?"