Live long and profit.

IF YOU NEED SOME HIP REDUCTION, ASK FOR LIPOSUCTION  DURING YOUR ALIEN ABDUCTION !!! Updated October 2006.  Cosmic wackos from beyond California!  Usenet Kooks  dispense their wacky wisdom (More theories and more rambling gobble-dee-gook from Whitley Strieber)

Here's everything you need to know about being captured and probed,  sailor.
 

Last night, the kids and I watched a tape of Alien Autopsy.  They didn't wanna, but I made 'em.
 
 

Those little bastards from Alpha Centauri pulled me out of my Saturn (how ironic), stripped me naked, stuck an implant in my ear, made me have sex with something resembling a large jellyfish, and then dropped me off two miles from my car (they couldn't stick me right back next to it?).  By the time I got back, I'd been towed, I had a rash I couldn't explain to my wife, and that frigging implant only picks up AM.  Abduction  update: The aliens returned, and presented unto me the spawn resulting from my encounter with the giant jellyfish. Not only is it goddamn ugly, but it needs braces, and wants to attend private school. Do you know how much that costs?

 

Dammit, Leroy, them Andromedans done stomped the corn ag'in Despite the veritable horde of old English geeks with bad teeth who've come forward to show how easily they can make crop circles with some rope, two-by-fours, and nothing better to do, a whole lotta lunkheads who never get laid (apparently) keep pointing to the circles as evidence that aliens are trying to tell us something through geometric nonsense, and are just too damn stubborn to come right out and spell it in plain English, Aramaic, or Pig Latin. If I was one of those particular aliens, I'd probably be obscure about it myself.  After all, if I'd done that much damage to that many crops, I wouldn't want to carve into the landscape my name and number.  Those farmers would probably take me to court, impound my mothership, or garnish some of my profits from the slave trade I have going on Orion.

There's never a line at  the Zeti Reticulan  handball courts.

Just to clear up the confusion some of you may have in classifying visitors from the different galaxies: Pleiadeans average three-foot-nine in height, with large, smooth heads and large black eyes, while Andromedans are typically four feet tall, with large, veiny heads, and they're hung like stallions.  The Management hopes this clarifies the matter.         Aliens have stolen my brain! After UPN showed Alien Abduction: Incident in Lake County, which was supposed to be the "found" home video of a family kidnapped by little green men, a whole lotta concerned netizens filled the usenet groups (such as alt.paranet.ufo & alt.alien.visitors) with posts asking about the kidnapped family, mentioning that they'd called various law enforcement agencies in Wisconsin trying to track down the exact town, debating which kinds of aliens these were based on their appearance, what kinds of other-worldly forces created the various phenomena (lights, magnetism, illness, etc.) witnessed in the video, and so on. What would have made these explanations readily available was asking the aliens themselves. To track the aliens down, all one had to do was read the credits to find the names of the actors who played them. Actually, to ask how the family was doing, the same credits listed the actors who played them as well.

Laughing all the way to the First Bank of Jupiter

Whitley Strieber, an author whose books were starting to disappear from the shelves, conveniently recalled, right about the time his career was also disappearing, that he had been abducted, abused, and routinely razzed by little green men. These conveniently-recalled events resulted in the writing of a book.		Nasal implants? Sorry,  fresh out. How 'bout  some Dristan?
This book sold well among the weak-minded individuals who are also often the targets of these kinds of events. It was made into a disappointingly lame movie with Christopher Walken. Because there seemed to be a large community (aka market) willing to read more about these things, Strieber cranked out a couple more books. They circulated (nee SOLD) well. This didn't stop him from getting testy, however.
THEN he recalled being buggered up the kazoo by grey aliens while away at private school. This cross-marketing to the porno/alien market also succeeded, and Whitley, who claims to have a nasal implant but can't quite produce it, has been hitting the talk show circuit. It's quite astounding, this advanced alien technology which allows them to scan for and detect human test subjects who already happen to have literary representation.	"Hey, somebody get this  alien out of my ass!"	Plenty of other people have reported alien contact while hanging out at Whitley's cabin, where some of the events in Communion reportedly took place. So it sounds like Whitley's running a sort of Alien Encounter weekend package. Instead of unidentifiable transponder devices, the aliens implant mints on the pillows.

Return to Earth Whitley Strieber says that between 1989 and 1994, he was regularly visited by some, uh, visitor, almost daily.  He and his wife couldn't see this visitor, but they were sure he was there.  He snuck up on Whitley from behind a lot, and if Whitley tried to turn around to see him, the guy would disappear.  This alien nuisance would bug the hell out of Whitley about his fidelity to his wife, and this would get Whitley awfully darn mad, since he considers himself quite faithful.  Y'know, you'd think, if this guy could pop in and out daily, and invisibly, he'd already know that Whitley wasn't screwing around. These damn intergalatic marriage counselors and their phony degrees from Uranus U. After having to dump his beloved alien visitation cabin due to financial distress, Whitley split for San Antonio.  In April of '99, he awoke to find a terrified Asian man next to his bed.  Well, of COURSE he was terrified.  He was probably eating noodles in Shanghai one minute, then abducted, whisked across the world, and beamed into a bad writer's bedroom the next minute. Whitley doesn't bother finishing the story and explaining what happened with the Asian guy.  Did he get on a plane?  Did he beam back out?  Did Whitley call him a cab? We don't know, cuz Whitley doesn't say. About a month later, three mysterious figures entered Whitley's house, again at night.  Whitley, at this point, is a fool for not installing an alarm, or at least a deadbolt.  Anyway, he fought them, and during the struggle, he awoke his wife, who decided to go to the bathroom.  Perhaps she thought she could arm herself with air freshener to drive off the alien invaders, or at least get the smell out of her husband's career. Whitley says that we are all on a spaceship that is running out of supplies, meaning that we are squandering Earth's precious resources.  I do not fear this dark future.  My wife stocks up on fifteen of everything, and I mean everything.   We have eleven boxes of cake mix, for example.  Do you have that much cake mix in your pantry?  We also have three boxes of  Pepperidge Farms apple turnovers.  I tell ya, I really like those things.

 
 

Delightful Theories and Explanations   In 2002, Whitley put out a book called The Key, which allegedly details his conversation with some "brilliant" guy he met in a Toronto hotel. Whitley says this guy was "a fine scientist with a grasp of cosmology far in advance of his time." Being that Whitley's own grasp of science is completely daffy, this ain't sayin' much. This mysterious guy in Toronto gave Whitley a model for an ever expanding and contracting universe, which Whitley validates based on a paper published later by a couple of real scientists. Well, this ain't exactly new territory. 3 Dec 99 -- The latest check of strieber.com reveals yet more delightful pseudo-scientific insight from the master of .... oh, well, whatever it is that Whitley Strieber masters. Whitley cites work allegedly being done at Duke University, to print DNA on glass chips, for use in super-computing.  Whitley says this is a breakthrough toward building "really effective computers."  He says that DNA contains a lot of potential computing power, more than that of a thousand supercomputers.   Hmmmm.   This gets me thinking: DNA is a sort-of object-oriented encoding, although in large part linear.  What makes it so great for designing new computers?   It's a cute theory, but utter nonsense.  Does Whitley understand the first thing about computers?   A thousand supercomputers?   Sorry, I don't trust round numbers.   "Really effective computers?"    The ones we have now are good for shit, is that it?   Whitley Strieber included on his website an item in which scientists (in fact, it's ONE guy) theorize the existence of a "mirror" section of the universe, and while the stars and other matter there would be fully functional, they would be invisible, because of "the laws of physics."  There might even be mirror planets and organisms that in turn couldn't see US.  The theory further implies that every particle in the universe has an invisible equivalent.  The theory was first floated to explain how the four universal forces (magnetism, gravity, Microsoft, and horniness) acted together right after the Big Bang. The theory could be proved by experiments with neutrinos, which would be emitted when an invisible, mirror star exploded. Whitley says that the concept of "mirror worlds" offers "a less fanciful explanation" for UFO's than "other dimensions." Okay, where do I start? The mirror planet thing's been done, at least in three or four movies.  I didn't buy it then, I don't buy it now.   How the hell does ANYBODY know what happened, even in theory, right after the Big Bang?   How do you "experiment" with exploding stars?   Is mirrored matter really less fanciful than other dimensions?   Are the guys who came up with this wacky theory really teaching classes?   Under the heading "New Quantum Weirdness Theory Stuns Physics," Whitley describes how a physicist at the University of Warwick (where the hell is that?)  says that subatomic particles remain in a fuzzy state until something comes along to affect them.  That change could come when somebody tries to measure a particle, or even when the particle is noticed by "a conscious, aware mind." The theory also encompasses the existence of "geons," which are kinks in space and time.  Geons can be affected by not only by the present, but also by past and future events. Okay, let's try this again: I don't think the world of physics was too "stunned" by this one.   I don't think subatomic particles are changing their pants simply because somebody might be thinking about them.   The only legitimate kink in space and time comes from waking up in an unidentifiable puddle and not knowing what the hell time it is or where the hell your car keys are.

The vast emptiness of Space and Television 
 

On February 17th '99, NBC presented an overly-long special about UFO's, abductees, implants, "physical evidence," and other flotsam of the nuclear age. Whitley helped produce this nonsense. Part of the special dealt with surgery to have an implant removed from a man's hand. It looks like a little rock, ,but they can't identify the substance! Whitley also had such surgery. The story goes that the thing actually moved away from the doctor's scalpel to avoid being taken out. That darn thing is still in there. I believe this advanced device is the mechanism that makes a little cash register noise in Whitley's ear each time one of his abduction books sells.	A little calomine  lotion would help.
Anyhoo, the special really said nothing new about the phenomena, but did provide a few new stories that sounded like a lot of the old ones. There was also more hoax UFO footage. At the end, they finally got down to the root of the matter: you can call and order a special edition of the NBC special, with bonus footage that isn't described in any fashion, as well as a tee shirt. What's the deal, Whitley, no keychains? Whitley has stated on his web site that "the public is neither stupid nor gullible." And yet the success of his work proves otherwise every single day.

Goodness, Mulder, look here, I've found some paper clips and a shoestring Whitley Strieber now says that the poor job done (on a Fox "Hoaxes Revealed" show) to debunk the infamous Alien Autopsy footage suggests that perhaps the autopsy video wasn't phony after all. He goes on to say that the only way to totally debunk the whole thing is to produce the "body" used in the film. He goes on and on about how parts of it look like an actual body, perhaps that of an individual with genetic abnormalities, and he even digresses briefly on the six-fingered hands, and the genetic requirements for such a condition. And he goes on: Did the hoaxsters get a real body, saw off the hands, and attach fake ones? Can they be prosecuted for fooling around with dead bodies? Did someone saw off Whitley's head and replace it with a bag of sawdust?  Creature FX guy Rick Lazzarini, on the newsgroup sci.skeptic, had this to say about such claims: " Now who in their right mind would say that these are altered human corpses? That is patently ridiculous. I have seen the photos, and believe  me, the 'aliens' are dummies easily constructed by any competent makeup FX house."	......	See what happens when you pass  through the asteroid belt with a cheap windshield?.
Whitley's latest word on the subject is it may still be a legit film, and he says that the "being" in the autopsy has "facial features [which] are those of a human being with a profound deformity."  Actually, it's a dummy, and movies feature dummies all the time with more human-looking features than that in the autopsy film.  It's called, hmmm, what's that term again ..... oh, yeah, special effects.  And in this case, crappy ones. Either Whitley is really that naive that he can't spot a fake, thirty seconds into the lamest hoax ever perpetrated, or he's toying with the morons who hit his site. Just a few more notes about the Alien Autopsy ..... the defenders of this tripe will tell you, it would have cost a fortune to fake it. Well, to date, over two dozen different special effects companies have done just that, either as advertising of their abilities, or because they were paid by TV shows.  And one of the aims is always to do it as cheaply as possible, to show that it would not have cost a fortune to fake the first one.  One company did it for under $2000.  Another couple have been done that were far better than the Santillli film, and they cost well under $100,000.  Santilli made far more than that selling the footage.  For a really funny moment, check out the part when the brain is removed.  The head starts literally bouncing, and the assistant quickly grabs it, to stop the motion.  Rubber head, perhaps?  Despite Santilli's claims, no piece of the autopsy film has ever been verified for age by Kodak.  Some pieces of old film were in fact provided to experts to verify, but they show interiors, and nothing to do with the autopsy.  Another point ..... if this stuff was for real, it would have been a journalistic event, and picked apart by experts endlessly.  Instead, it was all part of a massive money-making scheme.  Again, if you took more than a minute to figure out this was fake, you're an idiot. For just a few examples of these recreations, check out   http://www.trudang.com/autopsy/autrecra.html .  And for some expert opinions, check outhttp://www.trudang.com/autopsy/autquote.html .

Abduction is a pain in the neck
Whitley Strieber also claims to have "mysteriously fused vertebrae" in his neck. So do I. I had a procedure known as a laminectomy, in which a slipped disk was yanked out and replaced by a piece of bone from my hip (so that it all fuses together), and held in place with a titanium plate. So now I have the same fused vertebrae, PLUS a titanium implant! If this qualifies me as an abductee, I should be able to get into the next Dr. Who convention for half-price.  Such a deal ! December 2001: In an article titled "Christmas Joy: Mankind is Awakening," Whitley describes his very frightening rectal probe.   Just in time for the holidays. You MUST check out this site : www.stopabductions.com  .  It describes the thought screen helmet, an interesting piece of headgear which will supposedly stop aliens from using telepathy to control and abduct unsuspecting rednecks.  This site contains photos of people modeling the helmet, a picture of a dead alien, testimonials from happy thought screen helmet customers, and so on.  On first glance,you'd sweat this must be a parody site, but it seems almost too serious.

The Face of Silliness Another bit of evidence Whitley likes to point to in making his case for ET's is the so-called Face on Mars (see right). There in fact appear to be various pyramids, diamonds, pentagons, and green clover formations on Mars as well. IN FACT, NASA scientists have also spotted a formation that looks an awful damn lot like Kermit the Frog.  Could the ancient Martians in fact have been the inspiration for the Muppets? Were they also perhaps the models for the Nephilim, often mentioned in the Bible? Might they even now be secretly stealing the buttholes out of cows, rednecks out of their pickups, socks from dryers, the taste out of Jewish cooking?

This whole situation gets even more complicated when you add to the argument the face found on Pluto (see right). Not the planet, but Mickey Mouse's dog. The face is actually carved into his little doggie ass. Compare this with the one on Mars, and you start wondering, is NASA hiding something?

Miscellaneous Nutcases
 

Roswell, marijuana, Y2K, and the web have conspired to bring us a whole new generation of wackos who claim to have a direct link to the stars.  They've invented a number of bizarro names for their astral contacts, most of which sound like they came from an Edgar Cayce or Isaac Asimov book.  The difference between the two, of course, being that, well, YOU know. Here I will list for you, as they become apparent or as I stumble across them OR as they send me hate mail, the myriad fruit salads who have access to a keyboard and those 250 free hours AOL keeps giving away for the benefit of the light-headed.   A great place to hang out for laughs is the usenet.  Specifically, the newsgroups alt.alien.visitors, alt.alien.research (like there's any research going on), and alt.paranet.ufo.  In the latter group in spring 2001, I came across this amazing post (reproduced here without edits):     Like I have stated in the past.  I believe that ufos are a spirtual force of good and evil.  I believe that satan as is angels of darkness and they have crafts.  And god as is angels of good.  i know many peope say that is not of god.  But i disagree with them. The bible speak of the great war in heaven.  Between machel and satan do believe they flap ther wings.  They had crafts back then i know are great  non beliver can not believe that.  Because there are so against god. Were did the drafts that are write on the great pymairds come from.  gods has control of this world not mankind. Thank god for that i would so be dead.  TO know that my faith in man.  the problem really mankind wants to control his and her on future.   Unfortunately, there are lots of this kind of post.  My reply to this post was not all that kind, and it started a brief (three week) flame war.   But hey, if you can type 70 words a minute and are a supporter of the Reading is Fundamental program, it's a great exercise.     I've got loonies coming out of my Ashtar Now, on with the kooks...... I truly miss the good folks who used to run www.universalway.org (now dead), or maybe it's just the one guy named Mike, because they provided a number of wacky theories, including the idea that God/Yahweh was really a malevolent alien being, "the idea that human beings are a slave race owned by an extraterrestrial society," and the totally goofy notion that playing Mozart for your unborn child will somehow make him/her more intelligent later in life.   For a "scientific" explanation of UFO's, try http://www.maxpages.com/ufoexplanation.  It's kept by a very sincere-sounding individual named Arnold, who unfortunately includes his name, address, and phone number on the site, inviting lunatics galore.  He says that UFO's are "resonance chambers" run by "some type of psychotronic generators."  The fact that some UFOs have been observed is evidence that they use "anotehr dimension."  This is what passes for "scientific" where Arnold comes from.  He goes on to say that aliens have big black eyes so they can see in the dark, which makes it easier to travel in outer space, where it's very dark.  Yes, yes, the aliens travel by vision out there, over the many light years' distance.  He also repeats the myth that ordinary people can be trained to "remote view" with a great deal of accuracy.  Man, I could hang outside the strip club and get a free show.   The Portals of Light want to share with you the thoughts of Lord Ashtar, El Morya, Theoaphylos, Serapis Bey, Kut-hu-mi, Commander Soltec, Commander Monka, and Joe the Bass Player.  There's a spaceship in there, a lot of meetings (a sort of cosmic AA),  a guy from Atlantis, the Fourth Dimension (weren't they an R&B group?), and, naturally, lots of books and tapes FOR SALE.  You can find this fun bunch at http://www.islandnet.com/~arton/portals.html.   The Wirral Light Circle also subscribes to the Ashtar thingy.  Their also includes "corn circles," usually referred to as "crop circles," or "geeky drunk English guys trampling the produce."  This site is also heavy on channelling, which is how the higher forms (hallucinogens) communicate with the lower forms (idiots).  They've divined all sorts of "information" on the circles by channelling the Crop Circle Project Manager, and they go on to say that the circles have deep meaning, but apparently their spirit guides don't give them any clue as to what the circles actually mean.  How convenient. Their website, unfortunately, has disappeared into the cosmos.   Ascended Earth  is possibly one of the loonier sites out there.  The webmaster here says he's a WALK-IN, meaning he agreed with the owner of a body to walk-in and take over, but originally he's from the Sixth Dimension.  Oh, but wait, he's also got a membership card for the Fifth Dimension, where he captained the Starship Pegasus, so in addition to all the Egyptian folklore in the Ashtar world, there's also Greek mythology now.   Tell ya what ..... if I was the victim of a cosmic squatter, I'd charge rent or have him evicted.    The Measuring Stick at http://www.intercom.net/user/davids  is abominably funny for various reasons.  First, it's put together by someone who's made use of all sorts of web design tools, but who didn't know how to use them, and who has no concept of design.  So it's a mess to look at.  Second, it doesn't bother stating what it's there for.  So you kinda have to mill around and figure it out for yourself.  Third, it's maintained by a functional illiterate.  Finally, it is FILLED with Q&A about God, angels, abductions, creation, "Satan's agenda," and a bunch of other nonsense.  It purports to explain how abductions are the work of fallen angels,  how the abductors try to sway abductees from their belief in the Bible (despite the utter lack of documentation on this), and it also tries to explain the works of Biblical figures in ways that the Bible sure doesn't.  For example, did you know that Adam was on Earth for thousands of years, invented fire and shelter, took care of all the animals, and I think wrote the words to "Louie, Louie?" It doesn't say where the author gets his information, so my guess is, well, he guesses.   I especially like this question and answer: WERE THERE OTHER CREATURES INSIDE THE GARDEN OF EDEN?  IF SO, WERE THERE MANY?    Yes!!!    Of which there were not a great many!   Flagship of the Paranormal. Here's a his guy I really miss.  Used to post wackiness on the alien newsgroups about the many alien races. Said his "official Usenet ID = paranormal@flagship1.com" and of course all that was, was an email address.  Had his own domain and everything, with an official LOGO, labeled as "official logo."  He had a page devoted to pictures of his own house. He often wrote about himself in the third person, touting the fact that he'd been posting to Usenet since 1997, which I guess is supposed to make him an old-timer.  Not really understanding usenet, he perceived people trolling on newsgroups, or actually people just calling him a KOOK on usenet, as "Plots against Flagship," and created a section on his website just to expose these terrible practices. I would occasionally laugh myself hoarse reading his article "How Meta-Physical spirits appear when viewed from the Physical Plain."  It even came with a diagram.  His page "Messages from the stars" was downright hilarious.              He also seemed to not know that Uri Geller was exposed as a fraud over twenty years ago, and ridiculed skeptics who believe in that nasty little thing called "evidence." He thought that New Mexico was near the equator, and pointed to a reastaurant's website as evidence of aliens.         Everything with him was "paranormal." Paranormal aliens riding on paranormal UFO's built the paranormal pyramid.   What the hell's a paranormal alien?           He also had a page soliciting a "paranormal girlfriend," and admitted that a lot of the girls in his town thought he was a freak for his beliefs. Imagine that. And some time back, when planning to have oral surgery, he "pre-announced" his temporary usenet absence, as if to stem the anticipated flood of concerned email. "Where are you, Flagship?  We haven't seen you posting about yourself in the third person for a while, have the aliens abducted you?"  Of course, then he met someone online and started pursuing his new love interest.  And for some bizarre reason, he does screen captures of other people's web sites and posts them without explanation.  I dunno, I think this kid needs a good beating, maybe.    http://mcrais.googlepages.com/control.htm claims to have a good idea about who's doing all those abductions and mind control experiments that the rest of us aren't even sure are taking place.  All I know is, it  the worst-written and ugliest site ever.  The chosen font was HIDEOUS.  Apparently enough people got headaches reading it that they complained and it was changed.   Important note: This site contains copyrighted information from a book by Martin Cannon.  Martin himself has since disavowed this book, which is over ten years old, and has pinged people's ISP's to get them to quit reposting his stuff.        And don't forget the Usenet Kooks ..... Ever hung around on the usenet?  YOU know, the newsgroups where people trade porn, talk about their favorite TV shows, and debate .their favorite conspiracies and UFO theories?  Well, there are some great nutcases on the alien newsgroups (aka NGs).  Let's check out some of the wackiest !!!   Sir Arthur Wholeflaffer.  This amazingly strange individual used to post as a Dr. Frager on various newsgroups, dispensing his opinions on the stupidity of women, along with bogus medical advice.  He was chased from various forums, in fact, for handing out this medical advice.  He was especially virulent in a support newsgroup for sufferers of Attention Deficit Disorder.  He now mostly dwells in alt.paranet.ufo, alt.alien.visitors, alt.alien.research, and alt.conspiracy.   He posts REAMS of material he pulls from various sources, some of it merely transcripts from old TV shows, and presents this material as "proof" of the "alien presence" and of a horde of government conspiracies.  Sir Art claims that the feds are hiding all manner of downed UFOs, that they are reverse-engineering alien craft, and that there's an alien-hybrid program going on, creating half-human, half-alien species every hour on the hour.        Art thinks that George W. Bush is responsible for the attacks of 9/11, and that the aliens are somehow involved.  Whenever pressed for evidence of all his preposterous claims, Art says that's he's posted evidence many times, and that the complaining party merely has to look it up.  But extensive google searches turn up no such thing.  Anyone who disagrees with him, and that's pretty much every single other party in the groups, is accused of being a "psychological operative" or gummint spook.     In spring 2002, Holeflapper posted a nasty bit of dreck recounting the hypothetical abduction and torture of an eleven year old girl.  WHY, nobody knows.  But rather a low point for an otherwise harmless kook.       Art is also enamored of our next usenet denizen, Dicckk, a thing Art refers to as "The Prophet."     Diccccckkkkkk.  Also often referred to as "Flyspecks."  You can always spot Dicckk, as he spells it, by the headers in his messages, which invariably originate from erols.com.  He's posted under many, many guises over the last few years, the most loathsome of which was a gay man in New York City, which is where he says he lives.  He claimed all manner of odd alien contact, and was obsessed with the abduction aspects of the subject.  Anyone who asked for evidence or told him he was nuts was subjected to a stream of vulgarity and accusation of, you guessed it, being in government employ.          Dicckk denied posting some very blatant gay sexual material on the net, until finally cornered with google archives.  Then he said a relative living with him had done it, not understanding that this was not only transparent, but hey, legally, if his relative did anything illegal while using his box, he'd be liable.  That's the way it works.  Meantime, when someone sussed out what they believed to be his real name, Richard Bettis, he claimed that was wrong, and that he had actually been using the name of his nephew, whom he claimed to like a great deal.  Nice uncle, posting the most virulent attacks and tagging them with the name of a loved relative.  Anyway, that was probably bullsh-t too.  Next, he claimed to be his own nephew posting, and that Dicckk was dying/dead.  But he popped up a few months later with another identity, and when presented with proof of his true identity, he finally 'fessed up.          Art calls Dicckk The Prophet, since Art thinks that Dicckk somehow predicted the terrorist attacks in NYC.  Unfortunately, Dicckk predicted absolutely nothing.  Great Dicckk quote: "Reading makes me groggy and puts me to sleep, and I have done very little reading."     Alexa Cameron.  This is another gummint-conspiracy theorist.  She says that there's a UFO buried at Area 51, that she used to be employed by the Department of Defense, and that she's been spied on for a long time by gummint-paid remote viewers, for her inside knowledge of the CIA, NSA, and FBI.  She also claims she fell in love with a remote viewer, that her ex-husband was abducted and screwed up from the experience, and that she has a new love.  Oh, how nice.  She says she's the "only civilian" posting on usenet, that everyone else is a paid disinformation agent.  Alexa has used all manner of identities : Andrea, Reandrea, Agent, Bunnie, B. Woods, Jimmi G, Congratulations, Researched and Confirmed, Lil G, and a host of others.  There was also some other nonsense about the gummint holding her boyfriend hostage, and she was on hunger strike until they let him go.  She plays out this long-winded psychic romance thing with usenet as an audience.  This is a very pathetic situation.  But amusing.     When an amiable person in the groups wished everyone a happy Memorial Day and urged them to remember our fallen veterans, Alexa called those veterans "dumb shits" for sacrificing their lives solely to make weapons manufacturers rich.  She was roundly chastised by many, to say the least.  And when another regular poster made a reference to "the Village" from the old TV show The Prisoner, she urged him to reveal what "the Village" was all about and who ran it, as if it was part of her giant conspiracy, not realizing it was from a TV show.      May 2002: Alexa posted as "Leda Chaney," describing herself as morbidly obese and psychotic, talking about Alexa in the third person and even insulting herself.  She has promised several times to leave usenet, that she was going on hunger strike, she was leaving because she was getting married, and that her "mission is over," whatever that mission might be.  But always, always she came back.     June 2002: Afer multiple people complained to her ISP about her massive spamming campaigns, including multiple occasions during which she posted more than 100 times in a single day (and on one memorable evening, 100 times in 45 minutes !!!), she disappeared.  Properly spanked, she curtailed her spamming upon her return.  She then came up with the interesting theory that aliens mutilate cattle because the aliens are not living beings but rather "bio-machines" and that they rub the dead cow goop over themselves in order to live.  She also said that millions of people share the opinion that aliens lie to humans.  Hmmm.  Millions of people don't have any opinion at all on aliens, and aren't even sure they exist.  Hmmm. July 2002: After being warned, Alexa continued to post copyrighted material, so her victim, who had already gotten other offending websites shut down, went to her ISP.  Suddenly, she was a good girl.  And then she wasn't.  But she did go on another spamming rampage, reposting over and over the same message, either in the subject line or the body, "NSA/ECHELON and their remote viewers knew what bin Laden was about to do and did nothihing to save all those people who died."  Or some such variant.  In other words, look at me, I'm a nutcase, but now I'm going to look like I'm performing a public service by pointing out the vast conspiracy.  She also in this period claimed to have killfiled a number of people, but replied to their posts anyway.  Nothing she's ever said has been logical or truthful. August 2002: Alexa claimed to be her own ex-husband, saying that she had been brainwashed by aliens and/or the gummint.  Kinda strange, because posting as herself, she had said the same thing about her husband.  What a mess.   Robert McElwaine.  Every few weeks or so, Robert posts a "Galactic Federation Update" in the UFO groups in which he claims to be channeling some stuff from Sirius.  There are plans afoot, revelations only days away, preparations being made, yada yada, and all will be shown to us poor Earthlings.  It's always just around the corner.  There are ships floating around out there, evil plans being thwarted, and we're all in good hands.  His website, The Planetary Activation Organization at  http://www.paoweb.com , offers books and audio tapes galore.  How convenient.  How potentially profitable.  It's just unfortunate that this fleet is so goddamn SLOW. One highly interesting aspect of this wacky website is its detailed descriptions of different types of aliens. They're all either "humanoid" or resemble Earth-based mammals, such as horses. One group is the "League of Orion," which is a little funky, considering that if you're on a distant planet, you can't tell that, from the perspective of another planet far away, your own planet may appear to be the outline of a picture (constellation) and would be named for a mythical being. So why would you name yourselves after that? Oh well, guess we're not meant to understand. Same goes for the "Centaurians," the "Pegasians," and the Parrothead People. Oh yeah, didn't you know? All Jimmy Buffett fans are from f___g Pluto.

Everything's better on a Ritz, even cow anuses

Snack food, that's what it is. That's why the aliens need all those asses they keep coring out of all those cows during those infamous mutilations. They put those cow anuses on crackers and serve them at their wacky Venusian hoedowns. Occasionally they end up with one of those mad cows, and everybody gets pretty messed up. Beam down some dip, Scotty !